By John David Hicks
My family recently experienced a new tradition. My daughter Sandra married a man from Guatemala 17 years ago. They have two children, a girl and a boy. In all of Central and South America and even Mexico, when a girl turns 15 the family celebrates what is called a Quinceañera.
A Quinceañera is the 15th birthday party celebration that symbolizes a girl’s entrance into becoming a woman. It includes an all-day celebration with a church service, a dinner reception, and a dance. (For a pictorial overview go to: www.Emilys15th.com.)
For my wife and me, this celebration took us by surprise; we were struck at how powerful and joyful this Spanish tradition is for the family. The church service was a time to celebrate God’s blessings as a family, give advice to our granddaughter as she enters some of the most important years of her life, and to worship God with our family and friends.
I decided to use my fall newsletter to talk about the advice given to my granddaughter Emily on her important day. The following is a letter from her parents that was read to her and the sermon preached at the service by her uncle, my son. I have also included my thoughts as Emily enters into the future. We can all use a reminder of how short life is and how our decisions and choices affect our future. What would you say to a 15-year-old ready to face the world?
This is what Emily’s parents, Rony and Sandra Lucas, said to her:
This is a special day for us. We have watched you enter this world, stood beside as you grew, formed your first words and started your first days of school. We have seen you go from a shy, timid, and watchful child, to a vibrant, sure, and confident young lady. The world is open to you, and you can do whatever is your desire, because you are truly talented and gifted in all you set your mind to. And as we celebrate the service that symbolizes your becoming an adult, we have a few words of advice for you.
You may be surprised to learn that we do not have it all figured out. But we are further up the road than you. And we have learned a few things. We have decided on our top lessons that we would like to share with you today:
First, after all the Sunday school lessons, the worship songs, the weekly church services throughout your entire life, what we want you to remember first and foremost is that God is a God of love. He lives for love, He breathes love, and His only expression is love.
There will be some who will tell you that it is all about the rules you follow or lifestyle you keep. But if you can love, really love people, you will always be walking with God. And as you meet new people and travel down the road of life, stay close to those who understand God as a God of love. Love comes in all shapes and forms, and if you are open, God will continually surprise you and will challenge your understanding of Him.
Do not put God in a box, for His ways are mysterious and unknown to us. You will never have Him all figured out, and when you think you do, He will surprise you again. But do not get on the bandwagon of those who purport laws, punishment, and severity with the character of God. No, God is love and love is God. You can find Him everywhere if you look.
Second, family and friends are the most important thing in life. Today you are surrounded by those who love and support you. This love is the only thing that you can take with you wherever you go. But love is not easy; it must be worked out. There are conflicts, differences of opinion, and misunderstandings, so love is also commitment. A commitment to care about one another even when we don’t agree with one another. Love is not the easy thing, but it is the only baggage you can bring.
Third, enjoy life! Laugh, sing, eat good food, play, dance, go on vacation, do crazy nights, and have sock fights. Life passes by so quickly, and each day should be celebrated. Learn to enjoy the simple things in life like spring flowers, black beans and rice, Christmas lights and snow. Throw lots of parties and invite friends and family.
These past 15 years of your life have passed like a flash before our eyes and yet we have enjoyed it. We have really enjoyed our time with you and Carlos and have so many memories of laughter, travel, traditions, jokes, and play. Don’t take life for granted, it passes all too quickly.
Fourth, take risks and don’t follow the crowd. We have never been crowd followers, and you are here today only because of the unusual risks we have taken in our lives. Make your way in the world and walk boldly with confidence to become whatever is your passion. We will stand behind you and back you up 100 percent so you can be and become whatever you would like to be.
We have high hopes for you. You are strong, intelligent, compassionate, and loyal. But we care less about what you do and what profession you choose and much more about who you will become. If you know who you are, then it matters little what others say or think of you. Walk in your truth at all times and you will be able to withstand any fire.
Fifth, life is unfair. Do not expect that all will go well for you. Things happen that no one can explain or reason. It is through these trials and even suffering in which our greatest lessons are learned. Do not become bitter when the hard times come in your life. There are some in this world who have suffered unspeakable trauma and pain. God becomes more real, more alive, and closer when we experience pain than when we have blessings.
Sixth, money is not everything. Money is great but it cannot buy you peace or happiness. Do not choose your profession or your spouse based on money. Do what you love to do and the money will come. And marry who you love, because the money can disappear.
Do not get caught up in the pursuit of material things for it is a never-ending race and there are much more important things to worry about. Money is all a matter of perspective. Yes, we have less than others, but we have so much more than many others in the world. Learn to be grateful for the money and gifts that you have been given and don’t make the pursuit of money a priority in your life.
Seventh, work with anyone who knows how to love others. Do not worry about their color of skin, their cultural differences, even their religion. If they are seeking truth, peace, and justice, they are our brothers and sisters and you can hold their hand with confidence. There are many who try to label and stereotype groups of people. Work against this by giving people a chance even if they appear very different from you.
Eighth, the kingdom of God does not start when you die. You have been given love, support, and blessings throughout your life. You have already experienced a part of heaven.
But there are many who are less fortunate, unloved, and have nothing. It will be your job to proclaim the kingdom of heaven wherever you go and whatever you do. You have been blessed. Use these blessings as your safety net to walk in some of the world’s darkest corners to proclaim the love that you have been given. To whom much is given, much will be expected. And we cannot wait to see how you will use your gifts in the world to proclaim love and justice.
Ninth, there is nothing that you can do now or in the future that will stop our love for you. Any river, mountain, or valley that you cross or mistake that you make, know that you will always be deeply and truly loved. And you can always come home. We are so proud of you today. All of our love….
Padre and Mambo
This is what Emily’s uncle, Dr. Dana Robert Hicks, said to her:
Here are some thoughts I gleaned from Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, 9 Things You Simply Must Do.
1. Wise people care about other people’s feelings, but they do not base their decisions on them. They decide to do what is right first and then deal with the fallout second.
Let your values and goals set the direction for your life—not other people’s reactions. You will lose your direction when your main concern is not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings.
People pleasers tend to get run over in life and love. Thus, there will be times when you have to confront a person, saying no to a request to do something that involves time, energy, money, or other resources; saying no to a request because it would violate one of your values; intervening with someone because of her destructive behavior; telling a person that he has overstayed his welcome; making someone aware of a flaw that she does not see in herself that is hurting her relationships with others; breaking up with someone you are dating or telling him that you are not interested.
The apostle Paul knew about this stuff 2,000 years ago: “I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way” (2 Corinthians 7:8-9 NLT).
2. Wise people understand the difference between hurting someone and harming someone.
Hurt is a normal part of life. When we have to swallow our pride and look at something negative about ourselves, it hurts. Hurt does not mean harm. Harm is when we injure people by doing destructive things to them. Hurts are a part of life. But they do not harm us, and we can learn from them if we are looking at life correctly.
Hearing hard truth can actually help us: “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6 NLT). At times you will have to make decisions for another person for their own well-being—it can hurt. But it does not harm.
Some people will use anger to try to control you. Let Solomon’s wise words help you: “Let angry people endure the backlash of their own anger; if you try to make it better, you‘ll only make it worse” (Proverbs 19:19 MSG). If you give in once to anger, they will do it again and again. You have just trained them in how to get what they want from you. Don’t let someone’s anger hold you hostage; make the right decision.
Have courage to take the heat, the criticism, the rejection, the backs turning on you and maybe never forgiving you for doing what needs to be done. This is a normal part of life.
3. Wise people speak the truth in love.
In parenting they say that kids need both love and limits (be caring, yet firm). In psychology they speak of authenticity and love (be genuine, yet caring). In theology they speak of grace and truth (accepting unconditionally, yet being honest). Paul said it this way 2,000 years ago: “…we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ…” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT).
However you say it, the important thing is that we say what needs to be said and say it in a way that shows that you care about the person. John Maxwell said, “…go hard on the issue and soft on the person.” You have the character and depth to do this.
As you go from here, know that you do not go alone. The one who has called you to the direction you are going goes with you…. When the disciples were fearful in a storm on the lake, Jesus appeared and “spoke to them at once. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he said. ‘Take courage. I am here!’” (Matthew 14:27 NLT).
Remember that life is too short to let reactive people steer your life. To do well in life and love, you may not be able to keep everyone happy. Jesus said it best: “You are in for trouble when everyone says good things about you” (Luke 6:26 CEV). When everyone speaks well of you, you are probably a people pleaser. You cannot speak the truth, live out good values, and choose your direction without disappointing people.
“I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody,” said Herbert Bayard Swope.
The secret to life is not to count your critics, but instead to weigh them. Do not try to avoid upsetting people; just make sure that you are upsetting the right ones. If the kind, loving, responsible, and honest people are upset with you, then you had better look at the choices you are making. But if the controlling, hot and cold, irresponsible, or manipulative people are upset with you, take courage. This might be a sign that you are doing the right thing and becoming a wise person.
This is what I, her grandfather, said to her:
You asked me to read Psalm 121 at your Quinceañera. The psalm says that God will protect and watch over you and give you victory over fear. Emily, you are a child of destiny. You will be a blessing to many people. You have nothing to fear. Fear looks to the future but does not take God with it. Faith also looks to the future but says God is with me.
God wants you to be secure in His love. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). Fear can also make you a slave: “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father’” (Romans 8:15).
God knows that you have the need for security and significance. As His child, the Lord gives you this. Your identity comes out of your relationship with God. Accept His love, mercy, grace—favor. “Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, ‘Abba, Father’” (Galatians 4:6).
In Jeremiah 31:3 God reminds us: “The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” The NRSV adds, “Therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Because your identity is “in Christ,” it doesn’t matter what others think, nor does it change what you see in the mirror—your family relationship to God is far deeper and more secure. Therefore, the way you think of yourself must change to the way that God sees you.
Emily, you are a princess, a child of God. You have God’s favor and anointing on you. You have been given God’s blessing and gifts for all that you are going to face in life. Claim them and believe that good things are going to happen. “God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8 NKJV). So expect God’s favor in your life and declare it; then thank Him when you see good things happening.
As His child you can “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). “And that’s not all. You will have complete and free access to God’s kingdom, keys to open any and every door: no more barriers between heaven and earth, earth and heaven. A yes on earth is yes in heaven. A no on earth is no in heaven” (Matthew 16:19 MSG). God has anointed you to minister to the poor, heal the brokenhearted, set the captives free, and liberate those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18). “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet” (Romans 16:20).
Therefore, as His child, God wants you to take the authority He has given you. Your former identity that came from your family, position in society, education, and from your struggles, heartache, failures, and successes—God wants you to lay them aside and “clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 13:14). Your identity is now in Christ and His Word. You are “accepted in the beloved” just as you are. He is your “righteousness, holiness and redemption” (1 Corinthians 1:30). “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; he bestows favor and honor. No good thing does the LORD withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11 NRSV). The Lord has given you His Word: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5 NKJV). “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3).
Your identity—who you are—is “in Christ.” This determines your success and destiny! “Above all else, guard your heart [your affections], for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Prayer: Lord, Your Word declares that Emily did not choose You, but You chose Emily and appointed her to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Lord, release Your spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of You. May the eyes of her understanding be enlightened, that she may know the hope of Your calling, and the riches of the glory of Your inheritance in the saints, and the exceeding greatness of Your power toward the one who believes. Give to her a fresh revelation from Your Word as to her true identity, favor, and destiny. Amen.
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