“Then Saul said, ‘I have sinned…. Surely I have acted like a fool and have erred greatly'” (1 Samuel 26:21). “Many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not con-fess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God” (John 12:42-43). “We are fools for the sake of Christ” (1 Corinthians 4:10 NRSV).
By John David Hicks
“I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure-try to please everybody,” Herbert Swope said. All of us know this truth, but few believe it enough to practice it. Consider how much you’re concerned that people like you and are pleased with what you do. Think about why you’ll do almost anything to win the approval of people.
The fact is that we all have a basic need for approval. God created us with the desire to be loved and accepted. Our ego desires affirmation and delights in praise. We want to hear that we’re all right, talented, worthy of love, respected, and admired. There’s nothing wrong with this in its proper place.
The problem comes when this desire overwhelms, when you’ll do anything for approval and you fear rejection above everything else. These feelings of rejection come when you look for acceptance but don’t get it. You don’t receive the affirmation and approval you think you deserve. Because rejection is the opposite of love and acceptance, it throws you off balance and you try to insulate yourself from the offender.
All of us will experience the feeling of rejection at some time. Rejection can produce a poor self-image, self-condemnation, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy. The result is a feeling that demands that you perform to please others to be accepted. This unhealthy need for approval often goes back to our childhood where there was a perceived lack of love and approval from one or both of our parents. Children who are ignored by their parents interpret this as rejection. For many of us, thinking about rejection takes us back to our school days when we were picked on, put down, and emotionally scarred.
This lack of love can create a desire for approval and an emotional need for acceptance so strong that it becomes an addiction. Like a junkie, you need a regular “fix” of approval. Short lived, another “fix” becomes a passion. You look to a friend, spouse, co-worker, or boss for the approval that you were deprived of and place an impossible load on them. Not wanting to accept this responsibility, they will often ignore you, treating you exactly the way your parents treated you, and you will feel deeply hurt and rejected.
On the other hand, to attempt the impossible-to earn the approval of everyone-will devastate you. Eventually you’ll no longer be your own person-the person God intended you to be. The results in a few years come out in questions of, “Who really am I? What am I truly like? What do I actually feel?” You end up not knowing what you are really like, what you really want, what really makes you happy.
When you long for acceptance, you open yourself up to rejection. As a general principle, what people say about you reflects more about them than you. But how you react to them says more about who you are. If man’s approval builds you up, then man’s rejection will tear you down. God will see to it. A mature Christian can receive correction without interpreting it as re-jection.
But the good news of the Gospel is that we can be set free from condemnation and rejection. God unconditionally loves and accepts us. This is the foundation of agape love. “To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:6 NKJV). This acceptance has the power to set you free from the fear of rejection and the praise of men.
King Saul is a biblical example of not dealing well with rejection and the praise of men. Saul was ordained, gifted, and crowned king by God. But his desire for the approval of men led to his ruin, his fall from grace, and God’s rejection of him as king (1 Samuel 13).
After Saul’s crowning as king, God gave him one victory after another to establish his kingdom. In the second year of his reign, he attacked and defeated a Philistine outpost. In retaliation the Philistines raised a massive army to defeat Saul and the Israelites. At the sight of this mighty host, Saul’s little army began to desert. Within a week he had only 600 men left to face this enemy. Desperate to do something to keep the few men he had left, Saul called on Samuel, the Lord’s prophet, for help.
Samuel told King Saul to wait for seven days and then he would come to offer sacrifice to the Lord. Seven days? Samuel must be joking, Saul thought. What are his men going to think? How can he look like a great leader if he sits and does nothing for seven days?
On the seventh day, Saul could wait no longer. He had to have his men’s approval, for fear that more would desert him. So he foolishly offered the sacrifice himself even though he was not a priest. When Samuel arrived, he condemned Saul for his action. Saul had willfully disobeyed God in order to look good and protect his reputation. Thus God would not let him found a dynasty and rejected him as king.
Then God showed Saul that his fear of man was groundless. Instead, Saul needed to focus on what God could do. He lacked faith in God and His word. God used just two men, Jonathan and his armor bearer, to attack the Philistines and rout the army (1 Samuel 14).
Again, King Saul disobeyed God in 1 Samuel 15 by trying to please men. God sent King Saul to wipe out the Amalekites for their sin. This was a “holy mission”; God wanted everything destroyed. Saul was to spare nothing. Yet he spared King Agag to show him off to the people and to the other nations. He wanted everyone to know what a great warrior he was. He also took the best cattle and valuables as spoil for himself and his men, hoping to keep their loyalty. All this was in violation of God’s command.
When confronted by Samuel, Saul at first lied and said that he planned to offer the animals as sacrifices to God. Then he excused his sin by blaming the people (1 Samuel 15:24). Finally he admitted that he had done wrong. But still he begged Samuel, “Honor me before the people.” He was more concerned with keeping up his reputation with the crowd than with his disobedi-ence and rebellion.
King Saul’s life is a warning against the trap of living with our eyes on the rejection and the praise of men. Saul was called of God to lead God’s people, but he led with a desire for the people’s approval. To fear any human is foolish, because all of us will have to answer to God. Saul had a chance to repent, but his concern with appearances led him into dishonesty with God. What the polls and the media said was more important to him than what God said. Reviewing his life, King Saul describes himself as a fool. “I have sinned…. Surely I have acted like a fool and have erred greatly” (1 Samuel 26:21). The prophet Samuel said, “You despised the word of the Lord.” In Saul’s desire for the praise of men, he committed suicide physically and spiritu-ally. “God has turned away from me,” he sobbed, “and answers me no more.”
The Contrast of Paul
The other Saul in the Bible, the apostle Paul, offers quite a contrast to the Old Testament king. Paul also calls himself a fool, but in a boastful way: “We are fools for the sake of Christ” (1 Corinthians 4:10 NRSV). Being a fool for Christ frees a man from the bondage of the fear of rejection and the praise of men. The egocentric, self-consciousness of King Saul is replaced with a Christ-centered consciousness. “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God” (Galatians 2:20-21 NKJV).
Paul discarded his previous identity as Saul: “What things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ” (Philippians 3:7-8). Paul considered his former identity “rubbish” compared to what he found in Christ. His relationship with Jesus set him free from concern about rejection and the praise of men. “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). The passion of his life was to gain Christ.
Paul says with deep conviction that he was prepared to be treated as a “fool for Christ’s sake.” Athens’ intellectuals refused to take him seriously. The Roman Governor Festus accused him of being mad. It didn’t bother Paul.
God calls us to obedience regardless of what people may think or say. When King David danced with joy before the Lord, his wife dismissed him as an idiot. The prophets were called to do what seemed foolish: Jeremiah wore a yoke on his neck for a generation, Ezekiel was to lie on his side until the end of the siege of Jerusalem, and Hosea was to marry a prostitute. They were all “fools” for God’s sake.
Willing to be a “fool for Christ’s sake,” you die to the world, the flesh, and the devil. You’re able to ignore rejection and the praise of men, proving you can survive without it. You can express a different opinion in a conversation and say “no” to people. You can yell “Glory to God!” on the streets of your city, not caring what others think. You can refuse a request to do something that you feel is unfair, or something you don’t want to do. You are empowered to face the counsel of men and say with the apostles, “We must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29).
In The Cost of Discipleship, Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes, “When Christ calls a man he bids him come and die.” To give up yourself is ridiculous, to give up self-interest is foolhardy, to give up self-protection is absurd. But the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:25). This death to sin is unconditional surrender. Your selfish self dies to self-righteousness, rejection, and the approval of men. As the sinful, selfish self dies, the true self in God can live. “The more we get what we now call ‘ourselves’ out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ‘ourselves’ we become,” says C. S. Lewis.
The man or woman of God must learn that freedom from rejection and the praise of men comes from experiencing a greater acceptance and approval from God. It allows you not only to accept others but also to have a greater confidence in God. God loves and accepts me even when I mess up, fail in my performance, and sin. Know-ing that I am loved and accepted is my armor and shield of faith.
People are unreliable and will disillusion you. Their judgments are irrelevant. “From the greatest to the lowliest-all are nothing in his sight. If you weigh them on the scales, they are lighter than a puff of air” (Psalm 62:9 NLT). God says that people’s compliments or criticisms amount to nothing, their words are like “a puff of air”-insignificant! When you get the praises of men, you might not get the praise of God. When you cultivate affirmations from the people you’re ministering to, you are not seeking God’s approval. Ask the Lord for His opinion. Oswald Chambers writes in Studies in the Sermon on the Mount, “In the matter of praise, when we are not sure of having done well we always like to find out what people think; when we are certain we have done well, we do not care an atom whether folk praise us or not.”
Your source of acceptance is God, not man. “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe” (Proverbs 29:25). Today’s Living Translation says, “Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but to trust the Lord means safety.” The trap is resentment, bitterness, and anger, all of which bring heartache. But those who look to God for their approval are kept safe.
The desire for the attention and praise of man will inevitably backfire and produce rejection. The people who praise you now can later turn and “crucify” you. That is exactly what happened to Jesus in the few days from Palm Sunday to Good Friday.
When you try to cultivate a good reputation, you are open to the danger of inviting the praise of men. Jesus made Himself of no reputation (Philippians 2:7). He had nothing to lose, and nothing to gain. Thus, He could love the high and the low of society. Beggars and princes were as one to Him. When you have died to your reputation, you show no favoritism.
Passion for Christ
Many Christians quote, “We are saved to serve”; their watchword, “a passion for souls,” has become a snare. This is a pas-sion for humanity, not for God. This emphasis is never mentioned in the New Testament and is a set-up for failure with God. True ministry comes out of a relationship with God. Christ alone is “the way, the truth and the life” (John 14:6). The watchword of the saint is “a passion for Christ.” This passion produces a deep love for the individuals for whom Jesus gave His life.
“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other” (Matthew 6:24). Whenever you feel you need to please someone, you will become his
servant. God’s opinion is what matters. Jesus lived for one thing: the
approval of God. He said, “I do not receive honor from men” (John 5:41). And again, with deep conviction He said, “When honor comes from men, I just ignore it.” Then He went on to say, “How can you believe, who receive honor from one another, and do not seek the honor that comes from God?” (John 5:44).
Receiving honor from men has an impact on your faith. To be delighted by the praises of men is to dishonor God. Man’s honor is irrelevant compared to the honor that God can give.
Steps to Freedom
How can this unhealthy concern with others’ opinions be overcome? The first step to freedom from rejection and the praise of men is to admit and face the truth of your addiction. You are so concerned about your status in the eyes of others that you are unable to be truly involved with them. It is truly selfishness, concern with self, in the extreme. You may have been hurt in the past and are defensive about it happening again.
The second step is to forgive. When Jesus was rejected, He forgave the people who wronged Him. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34). When you stop trying to prove your worth and release your offenders from judgment, you break the power of unforgiveness and are free.
The third step to freedom from rejection and the praise of men is to realize how much God loves you and enjoys you. “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32). “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3). Until you accept God’s love, you will always be prone to the hurts of rejection. When you know that God accepts you, you don’t need acceptance from anyone else.
Perhaps you’re facing a situation where you feel defeated by criticism, disapproval, humiliation, and exposure of your weaknesses. Tell God how you feel. Clearly communicate your despair, discouragement, and frustration in prayer. Put your sense of hopelessness into words. Let Him know just how serious the situation has become for you. “Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
Then become part of a small group that can encourage and help you carry your burdens. Find some friends you can trust. Fear of rejection often makes accountability scary. But no matter how deep the fear or how hard it may seem, a small group of friends will give you love, acceptance, and forgiveness rather than rejection. Their counsel will help you grow in the Lord and focus on the positive (Philippians 4:8). There are people who genuinely love you for who you are, not for something you can do for them. Cultivate their friendships.
Realize that even rejection can be used of God to bless your life. I have a friend who was rejected as a gunner on a B-17 bomber during World War II. He struggled with his feelings of rejection especially since all his friends were accepted. Later, he found out that all his close friends were killed in action. Rejection had spared his life, and he later came to Christ.
God uses rejection to cut through our false sense of security and show us our need for Him. Lots of people who have won the world’s approval are on the broad road to hell. On the other hand, many whom the world has rejected are accepted by God. C. S. Lewis declares in The Great Divorce, “There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to who God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.'”
Oxford philosopher Austin Farrer said it well: “If Jesus is willing to be in us, and to let us show Him to the world, it’s a small thing that we should endure being fools for Christ’s sake.” The key to that: “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:18).
G. Campbell Morgan was one of 150 young men who sought entrance to the Wesleyan ministry in Great Britain in 1888. He passed the doctrinal examinations, but failed in his trial sermon. In a vast auditorium before the critical, searching eyes of three ministers and 75 others, the young preacher was gripped with fear. Two weeks later Morgan’s name appeared among the 105 rejected for the ministry that year.
His daughter-in-law, Jill Morgan, wrote years later in her book A Man of the Word: “He wired to his father the one word, ‘Rejected,’ and sat down to write in his diary: ‘Very dark everything seems. Still, He knoweth best.’ Quickly came the reply: ‘Rejected on earth. Accepted in Heaven. -Dad.'”
As Morgan went on to prove, rejection is seldom permanent. His skill as a preacher of the Word of God made him one of the most sought after orators of his day, and the biblical commentaries that he wrote set the standard for several generations. Throughout life, circumstances change, but ultimately there is no rejection of those accepted by Christ.
As we have seen, rejection or praise of men can make or break you, depending on how you handle it. Proverbs 27:21 is an interesting verse: “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives.” Praise and af-firmation must be given carefully. Flattery will destroy and puff up a person with pride.
Yet the Scripture tells us to encourage and to build up one another. You affirm and acknowledge what God is doing in a per-son’s life by showing him how God is helping him. That gives God all the credit. You want the person to see that God may “equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever” (Hebrews 13:21). As James says, “Every good gift comes from above.” Nothing is inherent on my own; it is all from Him. When you are praised, try to make it a habit to reflect the praise to
God: “Isn’t God good?” or “God is so good” or “Thank you. God is so great.”
When we walk in His presence and behold His face and reflect His glory, we are changed into the likeness of Christ. Bob Sorge has an allegory in his book In His Face that illustrates this:
One day the bathroom mirror went to visit the shrink. “Come, relax in this recliner,” the psychiatrist said to the mirror. “Now what seems to be the problem?”
“I feel so yucky about myself,” the bathroom mirror moaned.
“Oh really? Now why would you feel like that?”
“Well, nobody appreciates me for who I am,” the mirror began. “Everybody just uses me. When they come into the bath-room, people don’t even notice me. All they do is gape at themselves. And then when they run the shower, I get all steamed up. Then their hair sticks to me. They get their grubby fingerprints on me. And when they brush their teeth, it splatters all over me.”
“I think I see your problem,” the psychiatrist interrupted. “Your problem is, you have a poor self-image.”
And with that diagnosis, the psychiatrist proceeded to build up the mirror’s self-image. “You really are a wonderful mirror, you know. You have magnificently clear glass. And your border-my, I haven’t seen a finer border on a mirror. What with your beveled corners and all, why, you’re one of the finest bathroom mirrors they make.”
“Stop. I’m interrupting this illustration. Would you agree that this is a ludicrous illustration? It’s obvious why. It’s because a mirror wasn’t made to have a self-image. A mirror was made to reflect the image of another.
“Christians who are trying to establish a healthy self-image are missing the point altogether. They’re focusing on who they are in Christ, rather than on who Christ is in them. Instead, get caught up in reflecting the glory of the Lord. Behold the beauty of His majesty and glory. And as you give yourself to beholding His face, you won’t have any more problems with your self-image. You’ll forget about yourself and will be completely consumed with the beauty of His face.”
“As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness” (Psalm 17:15 NKJV).